Kidney stones
by iEATfood
Summary: collab with illustrious crackpot. lazloxedward. Raj disapproves of lazlo and edward's relationship and he's gonna do something about it.
1. Chapter 1

_(author's note: this is a collab with illustrious crackpot. This first chapter is by me and the second chapter will be by her_

_story by both of us original concept by crackpot_)

Chapter 1

They were walking hand in hand along the lakeside, an occurrence Edward had thought only happened in movies. Lazlo skipped mirthfully next to Edward, who was trudging along, trying hard to keep up.

Edward sighed. He was learning a lot of things about love, ever since he and Lazlo had started being a couple. Currently, Edward was starting to see where sweaty palms fit in the whole thing. Lazlo seemed to have an amazingly high body temperature and was slowly melting Edward's hand to nothing.

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Edward?"

Edward scowled; this was the third time Lazlo had asked him that.

"Nothing."

What he had been thinking about was how boring and embarrassing this was. Just this morning he had found his lost toy gun, one of those old ones with a cork on a string, and had spent most of the morning shooting at defenseless bean scouts…up until Lazlo had dragged him here.

Lazlo leaned on him. "Edward, are we having trouble expressing our feelings?"

Edward hesitated. His face became the mask of terror of those about to receive therapy. "N-no!"

Lazlo smiled. "Then how are you feeling?"

"Fine…better" Edward answered, glaring are the sand under his feet.

Lazlo's smile widened. "That's good!"

He lifted up Edward's hand to his mouth and planted a kiss on the little platypus's fingers. Edward blushed. "Have some dignity, Lazlo," he said through gritted teeth, putting on a disgusted face, but he didn't pull his arm away.

"Look at them!" said a bush; it spoke in a high-pitched Indian accent.

Raj huffed and glared at the couple from behind the bush. He had been doing this for the past half an hour.

"Look. At. Them. Clam!"

Clam looked reluctantly, Raj's voice making him scared of what he might see.

In the world outside of the bush, Lazlo nudged Edward and started running in circles. After a moment of what looked like confused frustration, Edward took chase.

Clam blinked. Clam didn't really know what was going on. He shrugged. Oh well, he'd done what was required of him. He sat down and went back to doodling in the sand. He drew a perfect circle in the sand, two dots and a U inside it.

"Happy!" Clam grinned. He wiped away the smiley face's mouth and drew an upside-down U instead of it "Sad!" Clam frowned.

"I gotcha!" exclaimed Edward a few seconds before he actually got the monkey. Lazlo giggled and suddenly changed directions. Edward's feet skidded on the sand and he turned to follow.

Raj jumped out of his bush, dragging Clam behind him. "Don't worry! I'll save you, Lazlo!"

Edward caught up with Lazlo, bumping into him and wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist. They fell to the ground.

Then Lazlo leaned up and gave Edward a kiss on the lips.

"Holy mother of…! I am standing right here!!" screamed Raj, waving his arms in the air.

Clam covered his eyes. "Didn'tNeedToSeeThat!" he blurted quickly.

Lazlo looked around. "Hng? Oh, hi guys."

"I will never be the same again!!!" Raj continued. He screamed and ran in little circles and figure eights in the sand. Eventually he ran out of energy, stopped, folded his arms and glared at Lazlo. Clam duly noted this, and copied the pose and posture.

"Lazlo, may we have a word with you?

"Word!"

"Umm…" Lazlo rolled Edward off him, giving Edward a "be right back" smile as he stood up. He walked over to his two best friends and smiled at them innocently. Raj said nothing.

The silence grew like a marshmallow in the microwave.

Then Raj grabbed Lazlo by the shoulders and shook him. "What is wrong with you?!?!!"

Lazlo looked at him, bemused. "Huh?"

"You shouldn't kiss Edward like that! Don't you know..." Raj lowered his voice to a whisper even the elderly could hear. "_He's a boy_!"

Lazlo gave his friend a worried look he tried to play along. "Eheheh...I...did not know that, Raj…heh"

"_It's not right!_"

"Why?"

Raj's eyes bulged "Well..." He searched his mind for a reason. "Because…if boys started liking boys, then…girls would like girls and then where would we be!?"

"Here?"

Edward got up, brushing the sand off his shirt. He glared at Raj but said nothing.

"What are you trying to say, Raj?" asked Lazlo.

"You don't know what I am trying to say!? You don't know what I'm trying to say!?? I am telling you what I'm trying to say!"

"Confused!" added Clam.

"Lazlo, it's time to stop playing make-pretend-gay and come play with mee!" whined Raj.

"Us!" corrected Clam.

Lazlo twiddled his fingers. "But I _love_ Edward."

Raj stared at him as if he was crazy. "No you don't! He's _Edward!_"

"What is _that _supposed to mean?" Edward snapped.

Raj paused. How could he explain this? Edward was a jerk! The thought of someone as nice and wholesome as Lazlo being with someone as…_mean _as Edward was preposterous. Surely Lazlo deserved someone better, someone who would be nice to him.

"It means you, my friend, are a Meany!" Raj waved a finger under Edward's nose. "And undeserving of Lazlo's attention!"

Edward opened his mouth and closed it again. For a second he looked angry enough to kill the little elephant. Then he turned. "Fine! I don't need this!" he huffed, and stomped away.

It hurt, those words, they really hurt, but only because he had thought the same thing to himself over and over again. He didn't deserve Lazlo's unbridled affection, so he tried not to take too much, but the more he resisted the more Lazlo gave…

He sighed as he made his way to Pinto cabin. He slammed the door behind him, hard—so hard, in fact, that there was a clunk as one of the hinges fell off.

_This place is held together with spit_, thought Edward angrily.

Inside, Chip and Skip were playing with his popgun. Chip was holding it backwards with the butt of the gun pointed at Skip. "I don't think it's working…" he said.

Edward snatched the gun out of his hands. "Gimme that!" He turned it around and pointed it at Chip. _Pop! _The cork bounced off the dung beetle's head. Then he pointed it at Skip. _Pop!_

And then Edward stomped out of the cabin.

The twins looked at each other. "Are we dead?" asked Skip.

"I think so," his brother replied.

Then they promptly fell backwards and pretended to be dead.

Edward sat outside, leaning on the flagpole. He rested his popgun on his knees and started wishing everyone were dead.

&&&

"Raj…" Lazlo looked at his friend, pained. "I think you hurt his feelings…"

Raj looked worried for a second, then waved away the thought with a flick of his wrist. "He's fine! He's just naturally grumpy."

"Grumpy!" echoed Clam.

Lazlo made to leave, but Raj grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Wouldn't you rather play with _us_?" he pleaded.

Lazlo gave him an understanding look "Edward _needs_ me, Raj," he said, and left to find Edward.

"We need you too!" Raj told his retreating back. "We are bored without you! Lazlo!"

Clam and Raj slumped, defeated.

"Lonely," said Clam. "And, eh, bored!"

Raj gritted his teeth. "That's it! I've had it up to here with Lazlo's _romance!_ It's time to end it once and for all!"

Clam hesitated. "Um…yeah."

Of course, Raj thought to himself, whatever he did, it would be with Lazlo's best interest in mind. Where would Lazlo be without Raj protecting him?


	2. Chapter 2

_Second chapter by me, The Illustrious Crackpot. Not as good as iEATfood's, but here it is anyhow._

_iEATfood: well I for one think it rocks!_

**Chapter 2**

Seeing as Edward could be extremely elusive if he so wished, Lazlo was unable to find him. And so, all through that day, he had to endure Raj's constant pestering. No matter where he went—their cabin, the Mess Hall, even so far as to follow the monkey into the latrines. (Though with the decency to at least stay outide the stall.)

"Lazlo. Edward is evil. _And_ gay. YOU CANNOT LOVE HIM!!"

Lazlo's voice came out muffled through the stall door. "What're you talking about? Of _course_ I love him."

Raj shook his head tiredly, passing a hand over his forehead. "No. No you don't. Repeat after me, Lazlo: _I—do—not—love—Edward_."

"Well sure, _you_ don't, Raj. _I_ do!"

_Flusssssssssh_.

"_AAAAAAGH!!_" The elephant stomped his foot in frustration, then took a few deep breaths to steady himself. "Listen to me, Lazlo. Edward—yeah, he's gay, we have _established_ that, it is an accepted fact. But YOU are _not_ gay. I'm telling you, you're _not!!_ Do you hear me? YOU ARE NOT GAY!"

There was a pause before Lazlo responded again. "Wait—I'm not _happy?_" he asked confusedly. "I thought we were talking about—"

"Nononono_nooo-o-oooo!_ LAZLO, DO YOU KNOW WHAT 'HOMO' MEANS?!?"

Lazlo stepped out of his stall, rubbing his neck confusedly as he pondered this. "Ummm...hold on...doesn't that have something to do with milk? 'Pasteurized-homo-milk'? ...What're you talking about?"

At last, Raj decided that he had to spell things out plain and simple. With a long, world-weary sigh, he placed both hands on Lazlo's shoulders and looked the monkey mournfully in the eyes.

"Lazlo," he began in a quiet voice, the kind that people use to assure you that they understand even though they probably don't, "Lazlo, I know that this is not your fault. The fact that Edward is 'different' doesn't mean _you_ have to pretend to be 'different' to try and make him your friend. OK? So you can just stop this _right here_ and _right now_."

Clam, perched on the rim of a nearby sink, just cocked his head and listened impassively.

Lazlo stared right back at Raj, his eyes wide and innocent. "...Raj?" he said at length.

The elephant sucked in a large breath, his fingers digging reflexively into Lazlo's shoulders. "Yes, Lazlo?"

"Could you let go of me? I kinda need to wash my hands..."

For a moment Raj just stood there, still with a desperate hold on his best friend. Then, with a loud, exasperated cry, he shoved Lazlo away from him and ran out the door.

Lazlo was a bit concerned, but he managed to convince himself that Raj might feel better if he got some "alone time". Stepping towards Clam's sink, he turned the faucet on and ran his hands under the water, letting his bright orange fur get nice and soggy. Clam shifted a little to give the monkey some elbow room, watching him soundlessly.

"Clam?" Lazlo asked after a moment's pause, looking over at the pygmy rhinoceros with slight resignation etched into his features. "Raj _really_ doesn't like Edward, does he?"

Clam shook his head firmly. "Nuh-uh."

The trickling of the water became the only sound in the room, punctuated by the flushing of a toilet somewhere down the line of stalls. Lazlo sighed, shaking his hands off a little (and accidentally spraying Clam with flecks of water), then picked up a bar of white soap from a tray. Granted, the soap was sticky, dirty and disgusting due to the fact that it had been in the camp since its initial founding and _still_ hadn't been used up, but Lazlo didn't notice, sticking his hands back under the water and rubbing the bar against his skin.

"Do _you_ like him, Clam?"

The question caught Clam off-guard, and for a moment he wasn't entirely sure _what_ to say. If he said no, he'd hurt Lazlo's feelings, and if he said yes, then _Raj_ would get mad at him.

Deciding to compromise, he just let out a noncommittal grunt.

Lazlo didn't respond immediately, just stared fixedly at his hands as he continued to work the soap, regardless of the fact that the lather he'd already accumulated was nearly the same size as his head. When next he spoke, his voice held a serious tone, and he didn't look at Clam.

"I wanna hear the _truth_, Clam. Please. _Do_ you like Edward?"

Clam gulped, the sound making a slight raspy noise in his throat. He wanted to say yes, and make Lazlo like him—except every time he tried to answer, all he could think of was the sound of Edward yelling at him; calling him stupid; very pointedly ignoring his existence, especially when Clam outperformed him in some task; then stealing Lazlo away, keeping the monkey too occupied to play with his friends.

The rhino shook his head slowly, then realized that the lather had built up to such a degree that he and Lazlo were hidden from each other in the soapy cloud, and he was forced to respond verbally. "...Nuh...nuh-uh."

Lazlo was extremely quiet after that, and judging by the way the lather continued to grow, he was probably still whittling away at the soap. Clam lowered his head sadly, sliding carefully off the edge of the sink and walking out the door, trailing foamy white bubbles after him.

"That's OK, Clam," Lazlo sighed heavily after a while, unaware that Clam had left. He tried a weak chuckle. "I mean...heh heh...you don't have to like _everybody!_ I mean, it's OK, I understand if you don't like him..."

Even though Edward was _special_.

Deciding that both his hands _and_ the rest of him must have become suitably clean by that point, Lazlo shut off the faucet and left, still enhrouded in a thick cloud of soap. Maybe he'd go look for Edward again...

It was only after Lazlo's footsteps had fully faded away that Samson dared to open his stall door a crack, stepping off the toilet seat from whence he'd overheard the previous discussion. He let out a low, appreciative whistle, staring first at the door Lazlo had just departed through and then at the giant foamy lather clinging to the sides of the sink.

"_Ohhhhhh_..." Samson breathed, his eyes growing wide. "So THAT'S why they call it a _soap opera!_"

&&&

Lazlo stayed out late searching every nook and cranny of the camp for Edward, even going so far as to skip dinner (and on Hot Dog Monday no less), and didn't return to his cabin until Lumpus's final "If-you're-not-in-bed-in-_five_-_seconds_-then-I'll-be-sending-Slinkman-for-you-with-a-wet-noodle" lights-out call. Raj and Clam were already firmly ensconced in their sheets when he entered, neither making any sign that they'd noticed his presence. Raj was curled up in a tight ball, glaring rather pointedly out the wire-mesh windows, but Clam was so still that he might have actually been asleep.

Exhaling slightly, Lazlo sat down on the edge of his own bed, removing his cap and slipping into his pajamas. (It wasn't yet warm enough to follow his normal practice of "skinny-sleeping".) Just as he was about to slide under his covers, though, he changed his mind, interlacing his hands and gazing distractedly at them.

"Look, guys," he began, tail curling and uncurling rhythmically behind him, "I know you don't like Edward. But I _love_ him, OK?"

A nasally, disdainful snort emanated from Raj's bed.

"I like you guys too, though—I like you a _lot_, and you're my best friends in the world—and I promise I'll play with you as much as I can tomorrow. ...After I make sure that Edward's OK." He smiled encouragingly at the lumps that were Raj and Clam as he retreated for the inviting softness of his blanket. "Jelly Cabin Buddies forever, I _promise!_"

Clam shifted a little in his bed, but not enough for Lazlo to tell whether he was awake or not. Raj let out another grunt, grabbing forcefully at his covers and pulling them even tighter around him.

Lazlo just didn't _get_ it! Sure, Edward's meanness made him the absolute _worst_ candidate for Lazlo's love, even _if_ he'd been a GIRL. But the main point was, Edward was a _boy!_ Lazlo couldn't love a _boy!_ It was just NOT RIGHT!

Raj's fists tightened around the cuffs of his nightshirt. Why was _he_ the only Bean Scout who _realized_ that Lazlo's gayness was WRONG? If _they_—

He paused, and the little steam engine he called his mind started to chug rapidly. Well, maybe if...it might _just_...and that would solve EVERYTHING!

Burying his face in his mattress to muffle a bout of excited laughter, Raj silently congratulated himself on his ingenuity. Lazlo would be back on the righteous path of straighthood come tomorrow afternoon.

All he had to do was get up early enough...

&&&

The rising sun was burning a hole in Edward's back. At least, that's what it felt like. He squirmed restlessly, pressing his knuckles against his closed eyes and trying to block out the light with his tail, but it was no use. With an exasperated groan, the platypus stood up.

And fell off the roof of his cabin.

"_GYAAAGH!_" he shouted before thumping smartly into the ground, raising a small cloud of dust. Muttering obscenities under his breath, he pushed himself onto his elbows and dusted himself down, then finally struggled to his feet. Sleeping on the roof hadn't been very comfortable, but he hadn't wanted to face Chip and Skip when he'd returned that night. Plus, their filth had already taken over his half of the cabin by then.

He'd _really_ hated having to avoid Lazlo, but he'd been feeling pretty crummy and hadn't wanted Lazlo to try to "cheer him up" as he usually did—it would've just made him feel worse. Dangit, it'd always been his dream to find somebody who could honestly say they loved him, and yet, once that someone had been found, Edward couldn't help but constantly push him away.

Well, he'd make it up to the monkey somehow. Heck, he'd _have_ to, or Lazlo would be all over him trying to figure out what the problem was.

Steeling himself to the task, he headed out from behind his cabin and started to make the rounds of the camp.

Except...something was _wrong_. There just didn't seem to be any Beans around. The entire place seemed totally deserted—nobody was hanging out by the flagpole, or standing by the dock, or, so far as he could tell from peeking in the windows of various cabins, still in bed.

He was starting to feel a little creeped out.

Very quietly, Edward began to tiptoe towards the Mess Hall, hoping to find Lazlo in there having breakfast or something. Heck, he'd be glad to see _anyone_—Dave, Skip, even that weird little beaver kid he'd sworn a vendetta against. They couldn't have gone off on a group hike or something _without_ him, could they?

As he neared the Mess Hall's door, a small, indistinct murmur wafted towards his ears, and he stiffened. There _was_ someone in camp after all! Those were _voices_, coming from the back of the building!

He nearly ran towards the source of the murmur, then realized that displaying panic wasn't very "cool", and instead settled for an indifferent shuffle. The voices grew louder, and so did his relief—but, just as he was about to round the final corner demanding "what the heck the losers were doing", something held him back. The voices were low, but much more distinct, since he was so close to where they were coming from, and he could make out random snippets of dialogue here and there.

"...Never knew...I mean, that the mere _presence_ of one..."

"...Always thought it was kinda' harmless, but now...Man, it's a serious problem!..."

"Hey, get away from my pants! Geez, dude, we already _discussed_ this!!"

Blinking bewilderedly, Edward decided that there was no way to figure out what was going on without actually looking. Stepping out from around the corner, he crossed his arms and began indignantly, "Aw'right, aw'right, what's—"

The words caught in his throat. No, no, it wasn't because of the sight of close to every scout in camp congregating around the dumpster; the Kidney Beans were notorious for fixating on the most pointless of objects for hours at a time. No, it was the fact that they were looking at him with a mixture of total shock and revulsion—well, actually, that wasn't too out-of-place either, sad to say.

It was more the sight of the figure _in_ the dumpster, seated in a chair probably stolen from Lumpus's office that had been draped with strips of dark cloth, giving it a more menacing air than your average piece of furniture. It was _Raj_, dressed in a long pitch-black robe with a hood that covered half of his face. Clam sat on a piece of refuse just behind him, looking slightly uncomfortable with the proceedings.

"What?! What's going on?" Raj demanded as soon as he heard the murmurs cease, whipping his head from side to side. Finally he got the idea to lift up the edge of the hood so he could see, glaring suspiciously at the crowd below him. When he spotted Edward, he practically went into conniptions.

"THAT'S HIM!!! THERE HE IS!!!" he shrieked, leaping to his feet and pointing an accusing finger down at the platypus. "_HE'S THE ONE WHOSE GAYNESS IS MAKING YOU ALL INTO HOMOS! __**REMOVE THE IMPURITY!!!**_"

Edward screamed like a girl.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Edward had always boasted about being fearless. He wasn't, but even the bravest scout would have felt a cold shiver run down his spine seeing all the Beans turn chanting "remove the impurity" in unison like zombies from a badly-produced horror flick.

They lifted their arms in front of them and waddled towards Edward. Obviously they were getting into the spirit of the thing.

Edward took a few cautious steps backwards and turned to Raj, who was apparently the ringleader of this fiasco. "What the—what the _heck_ is this?"

Raj stood up on his chair. "_This?_" He gestured at the amassed crowd. "This is nothing! We were merely having a conference discussing a matter of serious importance!"

"Yeah? What matter is this?" asked Edward, still retreating.

Raj jumped down from the dumpster, dark robes fluttering behind him, and advanced towards Edward in a series of hops like a small fat crow. He pointed dramatically at the platypus and yelled, "The matter of the evils you've committed!"

_Which ones?_ thought Edward, but what he said out loud was "_What _evils?"

"Oh I don't know...the one where you **play kissy-face with Lazlo all day!**"

"No kissy-face!" called Clam from atop the dumpster.

Edward glared at the crowd. "That's _it?_ That's my great evil?" He gave Raj a condescending look. "Surely you can do better than that, Raj."

Then he pointed at the congregation of Bean Scouts. "I'll have you all know it's none of your business what I do with Lazlo!"

This did not have the desired affect on the Beans.

"Yes it is!"

"It's turning us gay!"

Edward stared. "Eh? What?" He put his hands on his hips. "How?"

"Raj told us..." started Ping-Pong, but was interrupted by the beaver taking a step forward.

"Simply put, you being a homoshmexical is turning all of _us_ into homoshmexicals," he told Edward in a 'holier than thou' voice.

"Indeedyroony!" said a stork, the beaver's boyfriend.

_Die beaver die_, thought Edward, clenching his fists. "That's a load of...!"

But Edward had no time to disprove their claims as the crowd was going into a frenzy.

"I don't want to be a hexodexteral! I don't even know what that is!" Dave told Ping-Pong.

"I think it's happening to mee!" yelled a bear.

Frantic shrieks filled the air.

"Lets git rid of him befo'e we're infected too!" squealed a pig.

"I say we tickle him until he wets his pants!" raved Ping-Pong.

Edward screamed and ran.

His legs were short and the mob was catching up. He didn't even know where to run to. The smart thing to do would have been to run to his own cabin, but he found himself heading towards Jelly Bean Cabin instead. "Lazlo! Lazlo, Help!"

Something grabbed him around the waist and lifted him up off the ground. It was Lazlo hanging on to a vine with both hands and utilizing his tail to lift Edward out of the mob's way. He lifted Edward up to head height. "Edward, I've been looking all over for you!"

"Lazlo, they're gonna rend me to shreds! And Raj, _your Raj!_ he's evil! H-he's got a cloak and..."

"My Raj? Oh no, _my _Raj wouldn't even hurt a fly!" Lazlo climbed down to address the horde. "Hey guys!"

The campers stopped mid-lynch. "Um, heya Laz..."

"What are you guys doing?"

The campers shuffled uncomfortably "Um...Um" Sampson started twiddling his fingers. "We were gonna—ulp!—Get rid of Edward!"

Lazlo's tail flicked, but his face remained totally passive. "Why?"

"Ummmmm...Raj told us to!" Samson pointed an accusing finger at Raj, who glared at him, silently vowing revenge.

"Raj?..." Lazlo's tail flicked again. Raj let out a yelp. Edward stuck his tongue out at him from behind the safety of his beau.

"Why are you telling people to get rid of Edward?"

"It's for your own good, Lazlo!" Raj panicked. "Now get him, my minions!"

"Minions? How degrading," complained Ping-Pong.

Raj rolled his eyes. "Just get him!"

Lazlo spread his arms and shielded his little frightened lover. "I'm not gonna let you hurt him!"

"I say we get rid of Lazlo too! He's one of them!" yelled Dave.

Raj nodded smugly. "Oh, yes yes—_**wait! **__What!? NO!_" Raj's arms stretched comically, and he pulled Lazlo out of the way of the angry mob. "Lazlo's innocent!"

"Are you saying he's not hermo—hecto—..Gay!?" asked Dave.

"I am," said Lazlo, pulling himself out of Raj's iron grip.

Raj looked at Lazlo, worried. "He...can still be saved."

Lazlo walked back to where Edward was standing, alone, looking terrified, and held his hand softly.

"I dunno about that..." said Ping-Pong, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

"Kill the hoagies!" yelled Samson, overcome with rebel revelry.

"It's _homies_, dummy."

"Homos! Homos! AiaiAI!" Raj smacked the palm of his hand against his head. "And you can't kill him!"

His ingenious plan seemed to be backfiring, and it had barely started. It had been going well till Lazlo had shown up—of course, Lazlo was the reason for all this...he couldn't let him get hurt, or worse, chased out of camp. The point was to get him _back_, not _lose _him.

Sigh. He was gonna hate himself in the morning for this, but...

"Obviously poor Lazlo is under Edward's evil influence. Just look at him!"

They looked at Lazlo.

"Gosh!"

Samson fixed his glasses, trying to get a better look. "I thought he always looked like that..."

"That just goes to show how far back Edward's influence goes," explained Raj, hoping it would work and feeling kind of guilty at the same time.

"Oooh..."

"He always did look kinda...doped," said the beaver.

"Poor Lazlo!" wailed Dave.

Raj breathed a sigh of relief. Now that they were feeling bad for Lazlo, they wouldn't hurt him. The angry mob is always oh-so-easily swayed...

Edward watched all of this with horrified fascination and a hint of jealousy. Raj was _good!_ Raj had a knack for telling people what to do and they listened!

"Now charge!" Raj commanded, living up to his name.

The Bean Scouts charged. Edward gritted his teeth. He couldn't trust Lazlo to save him from this, nor did he want to make Lazlo have to hit any of his camper friends. Instead, he gripped Lazlo's shoulders and pushed him into the oncoming horde.

He fell on Harold, who toppled backwards and fell on Samson, and all the Scouts fell like dominoes. Then they just laid there. As Bean Scouts, they had exhausted their physical abilities.

Edward ran a few steps till he was right at the edge of the woods. Then he stopped and turned back to Raj, who was trying to urge the campers back up.

"I'll get you for this, Raj! You'll see! Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...But heck! You'll get what's coming to you!"

Raj's eyes went wide and his mouth fell open. Seeing that his line had had the desired effect, Edward ran deep into the woods.

&&&&&&&&&

Lazlo woke up and rubbed his head blearily—he'd fainted when he'd hit his head against Harold's.

He looked around. He was in Jelly Cabin, but something was different...

He looked out the windows. The window mesh was still there, but there were also long metal bars.

Jelly Cabin had been turned into a prison.

He stuck his head through the metal bars. Raj was outside talking to Clam.

"Raj...?"

Raj looked up at him and smiled. "Oh, hallo, Lazlo!"

"Raj, why am I in prison?"

Raj looked stricken for a second, then he laughed nervously. "Oh ho ho, no no. You're not in a prison, you're—you're in..." He paused.

"Protective custody!" continued Clam.

Lazlo mulled this over, then asked the question that Raj had been hoping he wouldn't. "Where's Edward?"

"Ahahaha! About that..." Raj hesitated, then looked down at his feet and mentally repeated the mantra he had recently formed: _"for Lazlo's own good, for Lazlo's own good..."_

"Edward is..."

"He's not dead, is he?!!!"

"**What?! **No! He just ran into the woods like Snow White."

"Was he wearing a dress too?" asked Lazlo a little too eagerly.

Raj glared at him. "No!"

Lazlo tugged at the bars. "I have to go save him!"

Raj folded his arms in front of him. "No, not until you stop being a homosexual!"

"What?" Lazlo's expression turned pained, then he glared at Raj. "I'm not gonna stop loving Edward, Raj!"

The two matched each other glower for glower, then...

"Fine!" barked Raj. "If that's how it's going to be, then you leave me no choice! I didn't want to have to do this, Lazlo!"

The anger melted of off Lazlo's face. "Do what?"

"_This!_" Raj cupped his mouth with one hand, pointed at Lazlo with the other, and ran towards the Scoutmaster's office. "SCOUTMASTER LOOMPUS, LAZLO'S BEING GAY!!"

Raj put a lot in store by authority. In fact, he hoped to become one some day.

He dragged Lumpus out of his burrow and toward Jelly Cabin. Slinkman trailed behind—he knew he would be needed.

"See! See! Lazlo's being gay!" Raj gestured toward Lazlo, who looked out from between the metal beams sullenly.

Lumpus snorted. "What else is new?"

"No, not _that _kind of gay! _Homosexual _gay!"

Lumpus restated his opinion. "What else is new?!"

Raj sighed. "Tell him to stop! It _must_ be against the rules!"

Lumpus leaned toward Slinkman. "Is it?"

Slinkman held up the Bean Scout manual. He didn't need to read it, since he had it memorized, but he felt that its presence added austerity to the situation. "Well, there's no specific rules about a scout's orientation, but we do have a strict no-canoodling policy."

The moose stared at him, bemused. "No..Canoodling?" he said, suppressing a smirk.

Slinkman looked offended. "Our version may be dated, _sir,_ but it's as good as the rest of them!" He peered back into the book and read the rule aloud. "Rule seven hundred and sixty-nine, section 'B'; there shall be no canoodling, hanky-panky, bill and coo or smooching on camp premises."

"You mean I can't expel him for just standing there and being gay?" The Scoutmaster gestured at the little caged monkey who, while being very gay, wasn't feeling too gay at the moment. He missed his little platypus love, and it had occurred to him that he had broken rule seven hundred and sixty-nine section 'B' several times with Edward already—he wasn't sure what 'bill and coo' meant, though. He was just hoping Raj wouldn't mention it to Lumpy.

Raj, of course, didn't mention it; even though he had walked in on Lazlo and Edward's "canoodling" several times already, he didn't want Lazlo expelled. He'd been hoping only that there was a rule against being gay, so Lazlo would have to stop.

"No, sir." Slinkman hesitated, remembering something. "Although I hear Commander Hoo-ha frowns at the practice, sir..."

"Hoo-ha _frowns?!_" Lumpus gulped. The mere thought of that hulking buffalo storming around camp being disapproving sent shivers down his spine. He glared at Lazlo. "You just love getting me into trouble, don'tcha, monkey boy?" He tapped Lazlo on the nose. "Well, this is stopping right here and _right now!_"

Raj grinned.

"But I can't. I **love** Edward!" Lazlo protested.

Raj frowned.

Lumpus paused, then leaned toward Slinkman. "Who's Edward?" he asked out of the corner of his mouth.

"The platypus, sir."

"The little angry polliwog thingy?"

"Yes, sir."

A strange sound emitted from Lumpus. "Mnigf mnigf mnigf..."

At first Slinkman thought he was choking. "_**Sir!?"**_

But it turned out he was laughing. He clutched his belly and chuckled and guffawed, then he wiped a happy tear from his eye. "Hoohoohoo...a platypus and a monkey. Who thought of _that?!_"

Then he stopped and straightened up. His face became a mask of seriousness. "Slinkman, there's no need to tell Hoo-ha about this, is there?"

"I don't feel a pressing need to, sir." Which was surprising on Slinkman's part; if it would get Lumpus in trouble, he usually did.

"Then I don't care. Slinkman?"

"Sir?"

"Carry me back to my office."

"Yes, sir."

The little slug hoisted the big moose over his head with surprising strength for one so small, and started toward the Scoutmaster's cabin.

"But—but what about Lazlo being gay?" asked Raj, trying to wave them back.

"If it doesn't get Lazlo expelled, then I don't care," Lumpus replied. Then he turned to Slinkman. "Mush, Slinkman, mush!"

"Very well, sir."

"Thank you scoutmaster lumpus!" giggled Lazlo, mistaking the moose's disinterest for an act of great kindness. He gave Raj a sympathetic smile. "There. Now that that's over, you can let me out now, Raj."

Raj's lower lip quivered. "No! It's not over yet, Lazlo! I'll return you back to normal or my name isn't Raj!"

He snapped his fingers. "Clam?"

"Uh...yeah?" Clam had been standing behind him the whole time.

Raj jumped three feet into the air, screaming. He turned on Clam. "Don't sneak up on me, Clam! Don't you know I have a threat against my life?" Edward could be anywhere...

"A what?" asked Lazlo, but Raj ignored him.

"Come, Clam, it is time for drastic measures!"

"Drastic!"


	4. Chapter 4

_TIC again, and thanks everyone for the kind reviews!_

**Chapter 4**

Though it didn't always seem like it, Clam was a pretty bright kid. Not only could he convey broad concepts with very few words, he could copy paintings stroke-perfect, design complex mechanical devices using the oddest of materials, and even occasionally levitate. However, just as with any other kid, there were some things that Clam didn't understand. For one thing, he didn't understand the subtle nuances of the theory of relativity. Nor did he understand why there still wasn't an environment-friendly solution to the oil shortage, why _Rocko's Modern Life_ had ever been canceled, or why people cared so much about who was getting Britney Spears's children.

But at this moment, what he most definitely did _not_ understand was why he and Raj were crouched on the bottom of a canoe, paddling it across the lake sneakily with their hands, and wearing _Squirrel Scout uniforms_.

"Elaborate," Clam requested, all the while trying his hardest not to stare at Raj's tuckus, which was (rather obstructively) positioned directly in front of his face.

Raj twisted around to peek over his shoulders, angrily shushing the rhino and actually making more noise than Clam had. "Why must we go through this _again_, Clam?" Raj hissed irritably, paddling more furiously as an outlet for his frustration. "I TOLD you already!"

Clam shook his head decisively. "Nuh-uh."

"Oh yes I _di-id!_ DO NOT DENY IT!!"

He vaguely remembered Raj waving his arms and making aggravated squeals while they had been changing into the uniforms (he didn't really want to know where Raj had gotten them), but not once had the elephant formed what could have been called a coherent sentence. "Ehhh...internal monologue? Maybe?"

Raj made a "HMF!" of vehement denial, then let out another irritable sigh. "All _right_, Clam, I'll tell you _again_ why we are doing this! Are you listening? You'd better be LISTENING this time!"

With that, Raj launched into a lengthy explanation of exactly why they were crouched on the bottom of a canoe, paddling it across the lake sneakily with their hands, and wearing Squirrel Scout uniforms. However, Clam was more preoccupied with trying to avoid looking at Raj's rumpus. He'd always considered it very obnoxious to stick your rear end in someone's face. Sure, he supposed there might be a few weird people who _enjoyed_ that sort of thing, but it just irritated him. Probably because, most of the time, the offending person didn't even _realize_ that they were forcing their posterior on someone else's eyes. Like when you're walking up stairs directly behind someone; really, how—

"Do you understand it _now_, Clam?" Raj was saying.

Clam snapped awkwardly back to reality. "...Repeat showing?"

Doubtless Raj would have had a lengthy and rather rude response to that, but it was at that moment that their canoe knocked into the edge of a white wooden dock. The term "knocked" is used extremely loosely in this context; rather, the boat splintered quite neatly against the dock before upending and sinking into the depths of Leakey Lake. But, since Clam was an exceptionally good swimmer, both he and Raj ended up dripping and panting on the sandy shore by the dock rather than singing a final chorus of "Under The Sea".

"WELL!" Raj huffed, wringing out his skirt. "That just goes to _show_ you, Clam, the importance of paying attention! Do better next time!"

Clam glowered a bit at the elephant, shaking himself off like a wet puppy. "_Raj_ should pay attention. Clam's view blocked by Raj's...ehhhhh...by _Raj_."

For all intents and purposes, Raj was ignoring him, instead carefully repositioning the dark blue beret on his head. "Now, Clam, let us go and fulfill our DIVINE MISSION!"

Yes, "divine". In Raj's mind, Lazlo was God.

Steering Clam firmly by the elbow, Raj led him up the shore and into what Clam now realized was Acorn Flats. Miss Mucus was sitting up in the guard tower as usual, glowering angrily into a magazine. Feeling bold (and more than a bit irritated by his attire), Clam blew a raspberry up at her.

"_Clam!_" Raj admonished, kicking him sharply in the shins. Looking up at the angry warthog, Raj flashed her an incredibly fake smile, adopting a grating falsetto. "OH, HELLO, MISS MUCUS! WE ARE JUST...uh...DOING GIRL STUFF! YEAH!! SO WE ARE JUST GOING NOW! BYE!"

Miss Mucus only favored them with a passing glare before burying her head back in her the _Hogmopolitan_. "The new Squirrels get uglier every year..."

Clam was getting more and more confused with every step they took into the camp, and his skirt was itching him more and more as well. He also began to get a bit concerned when Raj ran up to every whitewashed cabin he could find, practically plastering himself against the windows and scanning the interiors. Sure, most of the cabins were empty, and the others just had girls doing their nails or something, but the purpose of it all was utterly beyond Clam. Still, he figured that Raj knew what he was doing, and so he just accepted it wordlessly.

Finally it seemed like Raj had found what he was looking for, as his stumpy little tail shot straight up when he pressed himself against the last window. Peeling himself off the glass, Raj began to knock frantically on the side of the cabin, jumping up and down in apprehension.

There was a pause, and something that sounded like voices; however, they were too muffled for Raj or Clam to tell what was being said. Then came the distinct sound of approaching footsteps, and a thin brown hand reached over and unlatched the window, pushing it up. A moment later, the face of Patsy Smiles peeked out.

"EEEEEEEEEEK!! _UGLY SQUIRREL SCOUTS!_"

She grabbed the nearest blunt object (which happened to be a baseball bat) and violently attacked the Beans, not caring whether the wounds she caused were minor or otherwise. "GETAWAYGETAWAY! _YOU'RE NOT INFECTING __**ME**__ WITH YOUR UGLY GERMS!_"

Raj and Clam tried futilely to dodge the hail of blows, covering their heads with their arms. "ACK!—PATSY—_ACK!_—IT'S—**GYAHAHAHAAAAAGH!**—_RAJ!!_—OOOF!"

"AND CLAM! CLAM TOO! _Gyeck!_"

Patsy paused and stared down at the bruised and battered pair.

"EEEEEEEEK! **BEAN SCOUTS IN DRESSES!!**" _THWACK THWACK THWACK!_

"GWAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

It took a few more minutes and several more near-fatal injuries, but at length Patsy was convinced to put aside her weapon and hear them out. Stepping back, she opened the window further, allowing Raj and Clam to squeeze inside. Both Nina and Gretchen were in the cabin as well, the former so absorbed in her comic book that she didn't even seem to notice them and the latter busy sharpening her teeth on a grindstone. Clam grinned amiably at all three girls, though he still didn't quite trust those of the opposite gender, but Raj sat right down on the floor and got straight to business.

"Patsy, I need your help."

Patsy stood in front of him, crossing her arms and eyeing him suspiciously. "Why should _I_ care, elephant boy?"

"It's about Lazlo."

It was as if Raj had told her that she'd won the lottery. Her eyes widened, her tail straightened behind her, and she clasped both her hands together. Heck, her hair even curled a little. "L-Lazlo?" she asked breathlessly. "Lazlo...Lazlo wants _me_ to help him with something?!?"

Gretchen made a sort of irritated grunt, bending back down to her grindstone. Patsy ignored her. _Her_ universe was currently filled with pixies, hearts, rainbows and unicorns.

"Wwwwellllllll..." Raj deliberated, rubbing his neck, "not _quite_. Um, _we_ need your help, but it's ABOUT Lazlo."

"Big problem," Clam added helpfully.

Suddenly Patsy's bubble popped, and she leaned forwards anxiously. "Lazlo's all _right_, isn't he? I mean, I mean, he's not HURT? Nonono, not _my_—um, not LAZLO...!!"

Raj twiddled his fingers, suddenly finding them more interesting than the mongoose. He still wasn't quite sure why he'd come here; he was no use when it came to talking with girls. They gave him the screaming heebie-jeebies. "Ummmmmm...he's not _technically_ hurt, but..."

Patsy had traveled straight to the other end of the spectrum, going straight from breathlessness into hyperventilation. "What? WHAT?!!?" she demanded shrilly.

At last Raj couldn't hold it in any longer. Jumping to his feet, he exploded. "PATSY, LAZLO IS ACTING _GAY!_"

The room became utterly silent. Gretchen stopped pedaling her grindstone. Nina looked up from her comic book.

Patsy fell into cardiac arrest.

"O-o-OH," she stammered, smiling weakly as sweat began trickling down the sides of her head. It wasn't possible. She'd just misinterpreted Raj, was all. Surely he hadn't meant— "Well, isn't Lazlo _always_ acting happy, you know? Heh heh...skipping around all the place, trying to...to make other people happy..."

Raj cocked his head to the side, confused by this response. Clam copied the motion from behind him for lack of anything better to do. "Um, Patsy, maybe you didn't hear me right..." Raj said slowly, deciding to try and spell it out using simple hand gestures. "I said that Lazlo is acting _gay_."

Quietly, very quietly, Nina placed her comic on her bedside table and began to cover all the breakable objects.

Patsy began to shake, her fists clenching and unclenching by her sides. One of her eyes began twitching. "What...exactly...do...you..._mean?_"

It seemed amazing to Raj that she _still_ didn't understand what he was saying. He hadn't thought she was _that_ dumb...well, perhaps on occasion—especially that time when she'd kept dropping her neckerchief and refusing to pick it up unless Lazlo handed it to her—but he'd never said so out loud. "Patsy, I mean he's acting _gay!_ You know, being one with homo-ness! Pretending that he _like_-likes other Beans! BEING A LUMBERJACK EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT OKAY!"

"Queer!" added Clam.

Even though she was already on the verge of a mental breakdown, Patsy forced herself to calm down, taking deep yoga breaths and massaging her forehead. She was going to remain firmly in denial and _believe_ it. "Y-y-you know," she stammered, her breathing already becoming choppy as she forced a slightly deranged-looking smile, "that's...that's a _suspicious_ accusation c-coming from two Be-B-BEAN SCOUTS wearing _skirts!_"

Raj flushed bright red, pulling his hem further down over his legs while Clam picked at his sleeves behind him. "It's a _disguise!!!_" insisted Raj in an effort to protect his dignity, then he put his hands on his hips. "And if you don't believe me, ohoho_ho_, you should have been at Camp Kidney _yesterday!_ It was HORRIFYING, I tell, you, I mean, what he and _Edward_—"

Finally the dam broke. Patsy _screamed_.

There are lots of loud noises in this world, from auto wrecks to annoying insurance salesmen. But the scream of a mongoose, especially a female mongoose, and a female mongoose who has just had her heart broken by a confession of her true love's "opposite orientation"—to put it simply, there was no window in a ten-mile radius that didn't shatter.

"_Geez_, Patsy!" Gretchen grumbled once the screech had petered out due to lack of oxygen. "_I_ knew it all along!"

Nina thwapped her smartly on the shoulder. "_Gretchen!_"

"What? I _did!_"

Muttering under her breath, Nina steered Gretchen out of the cabin, deciding to give Patsy some "alone time" with her feelings. (Well, and Raj and Clam—that is, if their eardrums hadn't been blown out already.) Heck, they'd have to talk with Miss Doe about replacing the glass anyways...

Clam cringed, gingerly removing his hands from his ears once he was certain that Patsy had finished. Raj's head was vibrating from side to side from the sonic force, and he clapped his hands to it to try and keep himself steady.

Patsy didn't wait for him, though. She lunged forwards, grabbing Raj by the neckerchief and hauling him towards her. "_Tell me it isn't true!_ YOU'RE LYING! **LAZLO DOESN'T SWING THAT WAY!!**"

Raj gasped, choking very slightly. Their faces were less than an inch apart, which made him nervous, _especially_ when confronted with Patsy's gaze filled with pleading, threats and overall insanity. He shut his eyes so he wouldn't have to look at her. "I _know_ he doesn't! That's why I need your help, to make _him_ realize it!"

The mongoose's grip on him loosened, but only marginally. "What do you mean?"

As much as he'd detested the other lows he'd had to stoop to, this was the tactic that sickened Raj the most. You couldn't _trust_ girls, after all. And they were ICKY!

But if it would help Lazlo, he had to do what he had to do.

"I think..." he wheezed out, "I might be able to explain it better if you would let me breathe, please..."

&&&

Lazlo sat listlessly in his cell, back pressed against the door and tail curled tightly around him. He sighed heavily, drawing his knees up to his chin. He'd thought that Raj had just been kidding him with this "cabin arrest" thing...he'd thought for _sure_ that Raj would come back within a few minutes, giving his trademark chortle, and inform Lazlo that it was all a big joke, the whole camp had been joking with him, that he could get out of there and be with Edward again and nobody would care one way or the other...

Raj hadn't come back yet. And he'd posted guards.

Mournfully, Lazlo rose to his feet, grabbing at the bars of his prison and continuing the same conversation he'd been having for at _least_ half an hour. "Let me out, guys..._please_..."

Dave and Pingpong stood at attention on either side of the door, not even looking at Lazlo. "That would be _horrendously_ irrational," Dave replied, placing both hands on his hips as he resumed looking out at the camp—for what he didn't know, but it made him feel more impressively guardlike.

"I mean, letting you loose on the camp when you're still a concentrated sphere of homerexmentality?" continued Pingpong. "Raj said _you_ weren't contagious, but we're not taking any chances!"

Lazlo's lower lip quivered, an action that might have swayed the loons if they had actually been watching. But they were too afraid to be blinded by gayness if they looked directly at him. "Awwwww...c'mon! Dave, Pingpong, _please!!_" He was struck by a sudden thought. Maybe he could escape that way... "I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!!"

"Raj left a flowerpot in the cabin," responded Dave flatly.

Well, _that_ hadn't worked. Lazlo thought furiously. Surely with all the P.O.W. games he'd played, he'd be able to come up with something...

"Are you going to _starve_ me?!?" he gasped loudly, welling up all his latent dramatic ability. He placed a hand over his heart, faking convulsions. "No _food_—no, n-n-no...I'm going towards the light..." Lazlo sucked in a deep breath, flopping about on the floor like a fish. "MAMA! I DUN' WANNA DIE! DON'T TAKE ME UP THE MAGIC ELEVATOR! _I'M NOT READY!!_" He clawed feebly at the door, coughing extensively. "P-p-_please_, fellas...I...let me out for...just a moment...I wanna...wanna call my mama...tell her I l-love her..._one...last...time..._"

Pingpong rolled his eyes at his brother. "Everybody ELSE gets to play _Yahtzee_ in the Mess Hall. Whadda _we_ gotta do? Babysit _Lindsay Lohan_."

Lazlo was contemplating starting the routine again to see if it worked better, but at that moment he heard an unexpectedly welcome voice: Raj's.

"GUARDS DISMISSED! Give me back that _key_, please!"

"_Gladly_," Dave scoffed, and as Lazlo scrambled back up to the barred window he saw the shorter loon hand some sort of key back to Raj. (It looked like the key to the elephant's bicycle lock, he thought absently...) Raj was dressed once again in his Bean Scout uniform, though he had his dark cloak draped over his shoulders. Clam, standing just next to the elephant, was also back in his normal clothing, and—

Lazlo might have noticed something else if he hadn't been so relieved to see Raj. _RAJ WAS PUTTING THE KEY INTO THE LOCK! HE WAS FINALLY GOING TO BE FREE!_ "RAJ! Raj, Raj, thank _goodness_ you finally came to your senses! See, it's OK to be 'gay'! Aw, man, I can't _wait_ to get out of this—"

Raj blinked, looking up. " 'OUT'?" he repeated quizzically. Then he shook his head, trunk flapping from side to side. "Oh, _no_, Lazlo, you are not coming OUT. Not until you're straight again!"

"Acceptable to society," Clam put in.

Lazlo's tail stiffened. "But...but..." He blinked rapidly, trying to arrange his thoughts. "But...if I'm not coming _out_, then what...with the lock..."

Sighing loudly, Raj finally turned the key to the side, removing the bike chain that secured the door. "Lazlo...Lazlo, Lazlo, Lazlo." He grasped the doorknob gently, though he didn't turn it yet. Instead, he looked Lazlo right in the face, his eyes so full of regret that Lazlo didn't even think of slamming the door open and running for his life. "Lazlo, you_ don't have to do this_. I TRIED to talk you out of it, but you wouldn't listen. Not to me, not to the other Beans, and not even to the _Scoutmaster_."

Lazlo blinked. "But Lumpy didn't really say anything..."

"DON'T TRY TO CONFUSE ME!" Raj sighed again, his trunk making a slight whistling noise as he did so. "Lazlo, I _really_ didn't want to have to do this. But if you won't turn straight on your own, I'm going to have to have it done _for_ you."

Suddenly there was a movement behind Raj, and Patsy stepped out. Lazlo gave a start, not having seen her until that moment. "_Patsy!_ What're—"

Before he finished his thought, Raj opened the door, shoved Patsy into the cabin, and locked them in.


	5. Chapter 5

Edward was never a man of nature; he didn't swing through the canopy or eat bugs. No, he trudged through the undergrowth, cussing as he went. He wondered why there was so darn much of it and why no one sensible had come along and bulldozed the whole lot of it.

He took a breather, leaning on a tree. He unslung his popgun from his shoulder and tossed it to the ground. He didn't know where he was going, but he was too scared to face the angry horde again.

He was a fugitive now. If he showed his face in camp, the Beans would rip it off—well, they didn't have the upper body strength to do that, but Raj would.

_Aahh! Raj! That jerk!_ Edward felt a twang of jealousy. _How dare he be more of a jerk than I am_, he thought.

Edward sunk down, sitting at the root of the tree. It wasn't as if he had _liked_ living in Camp Kidney; it wasn't much better than curling up in a ditch for the night. At least the ditch would be softer than the beds there.

But Lazlo was in camp...

Edward reprimanded himself. It wasn't like he needed Lazlo; he was in a relationship with Lazlo, sure, but he could survive with out him.

Edward Platypus NEEDED no one.

&&&

_Precisely twenty-eight minutes later._

AAAAAAAHHH! God! How could anyone live without Lazlo?!

His enthusiastic innocence, the way he was so egotistical and yet so selfless...how could anyone live without him smiling that cheesy smile at them twenty-four/seven?

Edward sighed. When had he gone from hating Lazlo to needing him so badly that there was a heavy painful feeling in Edward's heart when the monkey wasn't around? How **weak** was he? His brothers had never needed anyone!

_Dang Raj! Dang him to camper heck!_

Edward picked up his popgun. He _had_ to get Lazlo back—not because he loved him or something sappy like that, but Lazlo _belonged_ to him now; he owned him. Edward pouted. This reasoning seemed to please him even if it wasn't necessarily true—it seemed to be the other way round more than anything—but Edward would never admit to that.

The fugitive slung the popgun's strap onto his shoulder. This was war.

He started back towards camp. Of course, he couldn't let the enemy spot him, so he ducked and weaved through the trees. He heard a snap, the kind you get when someone steps on a twig.

He threw himself on the ground—a bit haphazardly, he had to admit. Anyone watching would have thought he'd tripped and fell on his face.

He spit out a few leaves and listened.

"So then I told him I am like _so_ sure." It was that beaver! Edward tried not to growl under his breath.

The beaver's friend, a stork, gave him a bemused look. "Were you?"

Beavee stopped. "Was I what?"

"So sure?"

Beavee hesitated. "Well I...I sure was!"

And they walked of together discussing how sure he was.

How disappointing. He'd been hoping that they would discuss some secret of Raj's or where Lazlo was being held. Bean Scouts just couldn't do anything right.

He aimed his popgun at their retreating backs and pulled the trigger. _P__ok!_

The cork reached the end of its string and fell useless to the ground.

Then he felt stupid. People with all their senses did not go around pretending to shoot people. "If you're going to shoot people, you either do it for real or not at all", his father had once told him. It must be all that time spent with Lazlo having an adverse effect on his mind.

Edward stuck the cork back in its place and got up, brushing the dirt Camp Kidney was built on off his knees.

At least the campers being here meant he wasn't as far away from camp as he'd first thought.

Good! A bad feeling in his gut was telling him to find Lazlo quick.

&&&&

"Patsy...?" Lazlo walked backwards as Patsy advanced. Usually he found Patsy's company moderately pleasant, but today there was something different about her. She was smiling, but a certain nuance to her expression was sending "Quick! _Run!_" signals to his legs.

Unfortunately, Lazlo's brain, which knew nothing of women and even less about the dark side of the human psyche, overrode those and told him, "this is Patsy, Patsy equals friend"

_Yeah_, thought Lazlo, _Patsy is a great pal_.

What Lazlo didn't know was that if Patsy had heard that innocent little thought, she would have killed him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked her.

Pasty smiled and clasped her hands in front of her in a way her fellow squirrels had told her would be perceived as cute, cocking her head to one side. "Nooothing..." she said, batting her eyelashes at him.

Lazlo stared at her. He wondered if there was something in her eye. "OK," he said.

There was a long moment of silence as Patsy expected more from him.

Patsy sighed, ceasing the eyelash flutter—it had never worked anyways, and it hurt her eyes. She changed tactics and feigned an expression of worry.

"You wouldn't believe the horrible thing Raj told me about you."

Lazlo said nothing. Suddenly Raj's name seemed synonymous with bad news. 'Course, he wasn't angry at Raj; Raj was just misguided at the moment...

"He said, he said.." She hesitated as if about to say something horrible. "He said you were gay!"

Lazlo thought about this. "Yep! Sure am!"

Pasty stopped. A horrible expression crossed her face, then dissipated, then she laughed. "No, no, not _that_ kind of gay! Gay as in..." She lowered her voice, elbowing him jovially in the stomach. "Attracted to guys."

Lazlo thought about this, too. In all technicality, Edward was only a guy on the outside. "Yep! Sure am!"

Patsy's mouth fell open. "You're...gay?"

"Well, I _am_ in love with Edward, so I guess..."

"In love...with Edward...?"

Somewhere inside Patsy's head, something exploded. She had been in love with Lazlo since she had laid eyes on him. She had tried _everything_ to get him to love her back, _everything,_ every little trick a young lady had to know to insure a romance, according to the other squirrels and Miss Doe. She'd dropped her neckerchief demurely, she'd fluttered her eyelashes, she'd written his name three times backwards on a piece of paper and burned it, and now he was in love with _Edward?_ What had Edward done to get him? What had he done to deserve him? Lazlo was better than Edward!

"Why?"

Lazlo looked shocked. Frankly, he had never thought of it before. All he knew was that he loved Edward and wanted to be there, with him, always. Whys and hows had never crossed his mind.

Patsy jumped on that hesitation like a drowning man clutching to a deflating lifeboat. "Why would you be in love with **him** of all people? Aren't there people more deserving? You know, who tried...harder?"

"Tried harder?"

She decided to tell him. Forget ladylike restraints! This could be the moment! "I **like** you, Lazlo! I really, **really** like you!"

Lazlo smiled, his smile lighting up his handsome face like a beacon. "I like you too!"

Her heart skipped a beat and jumped to her throat. _This is it, this is it!_

"You're like a sister to me!"

And no sooner had the words escaped his mouth than he was slammed against the wall with a _KEEYAA!_

She pinned him to the wall, and it occurred to Lazlo that Patsy was much stronger than she looked. He couldn't budge. She smiled at him, the kind of glassy smile Raj gave him when he was teetering on the edge of sanity.

"Now, Lazlo, we both know you're very confused, _Don'tTryToDenyIt!_ And I understand you're making decisions a bit too soon, hmmm?" She leaned closer. "But I can help you with that. I can make things clear, _OhSoClear_, and then you'll never think of Edward again."

Lazlo bit his lip. That seemed like a horrible fate. "But I love..."

"NO, YOU DON'T!" She'd dreamt dreams, hadn't she? Where the two of them were happily married and so in love, where she was a princess and he was her prince, that couldn't all disappear! She wouldn't let it, it was her dream. "You can't..."

"You mean not allowed to or physically _can't?_"

She leaned up and kissed him on the lips.

&&&&&

Edward the fugitive made his way to Jelly Bean Cabin. Quite a task, really, especially if you wanted to stay behind tree cover. You'd have to circle around and come at the cabin from behind and hope against all hope that Raj wasn't around with his sensitive nose and even more sensitive ears.

The refugee ducked under a bush. He had to survey his surroundings. Yeah, survey. You had to survey things when you were in enemy territory. Dave and Ping-pong we're guarding the cabin. Darnit! Dave was wearing mismatched socks. Uh! That fashion statement had died as soon as it had been born.

Edward realized he wasn't thinking very "man on the edge"-ey.

Clam walked by. Raj wasn't with him, and he seemed lost. Without someone to trail behind and repeat the last words of for emphasis, he had no purpose.

He had lost Raj going to the Mess Hall. They had just been heading there to grab a quick snack and, maybe, join the other campers playing Yahtzee. Raj had been going on and on about how great his plan had been and, as soon as they knew it, Lazlo would be straight again and probably interested in Patsy. Then Raj had stopped and rushed back. Clam had had a surprisingly hard time keeping up with him and now he was lost.

Unluckily for him, Dave and Ping-pong had just decided that being guards was the most boring activity in the world and they would rather be off standing around staring at nothing, like any Bean Scout would, when they spotted Clam and loomed on him like twin birds of prey.

"Heya Clam," they said in unison.

Clam hesitated. "Um...heya!"

He attempted to walk away, but Dave grabbed him by his neckerchief "Hold it! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember you contributing to our cause..."

What? Wasn't getting beaten by Patsy enough? It was bad enough one of his best friends was jailed up. He tried to explain it to them. Unfortunately, no matter how he lined up the words in his head, they never came out right.

"Go with Raj! Clam, go with Raj!"

"See? All you do is trail after the big boss" said Ping-pong. "Well, it's time you did something on your own, little mister!" Ping-pong stuck his arms under Clam's armpits, lifting him up easily, and placed him on Jelly Cabin's porch, facing outward.

"You just stay here and we'll be right back!" said Dave.

"Let's go play Yahtzee!" suggested Ping-pong with glee.

"Let's." And they linked arms and walked away heading toward the Mess Hall, leaving Clam shuddering with indignation.

Clam's belly rumbled. Darn! He wished he were going to the mess hall; this was all Raj's fault! Where WAS he anyway?

Clam heard a noise coming from the bushes next to the cabin. _The enemy!_ thought Clam.

He went to check it out and found...

Raj, peering into the cabin, a vexed look on his face. "How forward!" he said aloud through pursed lips.

Clam rolled his eyes. _And they think I need mental treatment._

Clam was too busy, worrying about the mental state of his best friend, to hear the sound as Edward threw himself from the bush to the safety of a tree. He sidled up behind it and rounded around the cabin. With the cabin so well-guarded, Lazlo had to be in there. He'd claw at the mesh to let Lazlo out, and then they could run away into the woods and live with the clowns or something...

But for now he'd just be happy to see his face...

_...Well, ha ha ha...at least I saw his face_, thought Edward, but the thought was like a cold wind in his mind. Not much of it though—Patsy's big fat _head_ was in the way, ho ho ho!

And then he had another thought, this one much closer to sanity but also, by default, much closer to the pain. It said: _oh god, I'm so stupid!_

He pointed his popgun at the offending scene and pulled the trigger, but it refused to go away. The cork just bounced on the end of its string because it was fake. Fake! FAKE! FAKE! Like everything else in his life!

He resisted the urge to throw down the gun. He swung it on its strap and hit it against a tree, which was very deserving of the abuse, if only for just being there.

He felt like someone had ripped out his soul and trampled it, but he resisted the urge to cry. He was better than that. This was nothing.

He resisted the urge to run too, because obviously this situation didn't deserve running. It was nothing.

He walked away, barely feeling his legs under him, dragging his worse-for-wear popgun behind him.

&&&&&

Lazlo realized that he was being kissed, though, since he was being pinned to the wall so hard his shoulder blades were leaving dents on the wall behind him, it was more like being forced upon.

Patsy's kiss was different—not unpleasant, but different. Patsy kissed with a confidence, like she owned the world disguised in an attempt to be genteel. Patsy kissed like she thought kisses meant something.

Edward, on the other hand, kissed like he was scared but persistent, like he was searching for love but scared he might get it and...

And then Lazlo realized the answer to Patsy's question.

He pushed Patsy away.

"Thanks, Patsy. Everything is clear now."

Hope filled Patsy's eyes.

"I know why I like Edward now!"

And drained out of her ear.

"What!?" She stomped a foot. "Fine, _why?_"

Lazlo leaned down, cupping Patsy's face in his hands. He wasn't stupid—he could see that this hurt her—but he wasn't cruel either.

"He **needs** me, Patsy. He really does"

"_I_ need you! I'll _die_ without you!" she whined.

Lazlo smiled. "No, I don't think so. You're real tough." And he had the scars to prove it.

Big fat tears welled up in the corners of Patsy's eyes. "You love him cuz...he needs you?"

"Yeah." His smile turned to a smirk; everything was so hard with Edward. He was an adventure in himself. "I like being someone's everything...wow! He's right, I am kinda selfish." The monkey laughed.

He stopped to take off his neckerchief and hand it to Patsy to wipe her tears.

"I do like you a lot, though, Patsy. You're real fun!" He craned his head to get a better look at her face buried in the kerchief. "We're still friends, right?"

_Oh god, the 'lets just be friends' shtick_, thought Patsy. _This was going to be the worst day of her life._

Sensing her anguish, and feeling guilty, Lazlo grabbed one of her hands. "Tell you what? We're better than friends! We're a lot alike, right? You can be like...like my sister!"

Patsy just stared at him.

He continued, grasping at straws. "Like my best sister in whole world who I love very much, and we play together all the time!"

Patsy didn't know if the prospect appealed to her or not; her brain was a jumble. But Lazlo seemed to be trying so hard to make her feel better, she found herself saying, "'Kay."

She turned to leave, but Lazlo pulled her back. "Um..Patsy? Can you do me a favor?" he asked meekly.

"Yes?"

"Could you talk to Raj? I really need to get out of here. I haven't seen Edward in a really long time, and I don't know where he is. I need to see if he's okay. Please **please** talk to Raj...he might listen to you."

She could have said no pretty easily. In fact, she opened her mouth to say so, but the worry in Lazlo's voice made her change her mind. She guessed she was a sucker for love even when it wasn't hers.

She sighed. "O-kayyy..."

Lazlo beamed at her. She blushed and left, swinging the door shut behind her.

"Wait...that door was open this whole time?" asked Lazlo.

There was a noise, like an elephant slamming into the door full force and trying to lock it. "Not anymore!" yelled Raj.

Lazlo sighed, sitting down on the wood floor, curling his tail around him. He hoped Patsy came through; he was starting to really miss Edward.

He hoped he was okay.


	6. Chapter 6

_TIC_

**Chapter 6**

When Raj turned angrily away from Jelly Cabin, Patsy was waiting there behind him. Just seeing her gave him that mental image again—Patsy grabbing Lazlo, shoving him against the wall and _kissing_ him—and so he "HMF"ed at her, glaring at the ground while the tips of his ears began to burn.

"Raj," Patsy began once he'd made it clear that he intended to ignore her existence, "Raj, I have to talk to you about something..."

He didn't even respond, instead walking straight past her towards some unseeable spot on the horizon. If one studied the direction he was walking in, it would seem like he was making a beeline for the lavatories; however, Raj just wanted to get as far away from there as possible.

"_Raj_," Patsy repeated a little more forcefully, jogging after him. He sped up, so she sped up, and pretty soon they were in a full-out race. "Raj!" She was gaining on him, and he rounded the corner of the Scoutmaster's cabin in an attempt to lose her. "**RAJ!**"

Finally he skidded to a stop, whirling around to face her with teeth clenched and ears fully crimson. Patsy nearly ran into him, but quickly stopped herself just as she was a foot away.

"DON'T COME NEAR ME, YOU—YOU—_GIRL!_"

Patsy, not having expected the violent outburst, reflexively jumped back a step. The way he emphasized the word "girl", it was—well, it sounded like he'd just crammed every ounce of distaste in his body into the single syllable. Naturally, this put her on the defensive. "And what do you _mean_ by that?!"

He was shuddering wildly, his hands balled into fists by his sides and the red of his ears spreading like a stain through the rest of his face. "I mean that you are a GIRL! You're frightening, insane, frighteningly insane, incon_sid_erate, and—" Finally it just exploded out of him. "WHAT WERE YOU _THINKING_, KISSING LAZLO LIKE THAT?!?!"

Patsy felt her own face heat up, and tears began to form at the edges of her eyes. _Stupid, insensitive JERK!_ "I th-thought," she stammered furiously, trying to keep back the sobs, "I thought that I _LOVED_ HIM, YOU **IDIOT!!**"

"WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO _KISS_ HIM!!" Raj shouted right back, his voice raising several octaves. "IF HE HAD BEEN **STRAIGHT**, THEN THE TWO OF YOU WOULD'VE ENDED UP BEING _TOGETHER_ AFTER THAT!!"

Even with the trauma of her recent heartbreak, Patsy still had enough wits about her to actually register the words Raj was lobbing at her, and she stiffened in surprise—though her rage was still unmatched. "I thought that was the _point!!_ You TOLD me that if I _came_ here I'd be able to CONVINCE him to be straight! Q.E.D., _RAJ_, **WE'D END UP TOGETHER!**"

Raj was panting by now, his breath coming in short ragged gasps and his face a full tomato red. "I—I—" He trailed off, inhaling a massive gasp as he tried to think of what he wanted to say. Then it struck him that he had absolutely no idea what that was. "I—I—I—I—_YOU DON'T BELONG WITH LAZLO!_"

Tears streaming freely down her face, Patsy slapped him.

They were silent for a moment as Raj's hand flew up to the stinging patch on his cheek. Patsy was glaring angrily at him, blinking rapidly to clear her eyes, and Raj was staring back at her in shock and slight disbelief. Then she promptly turned on her heel and stormed away.

"I..." Raj ventured quietly, and Patsy stopped stock-still to listen, though she didn't look at him. "I...P-P-Patsy, when I...after you went in, and I thought...thought of you all alone in there, and w-with Lazlo..."

She remained in place, totally impassive.

Raj heaved a huge, quivering breath. "I didn't like it. And...and not because of 'Lazlo being with a girl'. It was...it was 'Lazlo being with _you_'. And...and..."

Patsy snuck a glance back at him, curious against her will. He looked confused, as if dealing with some sort of strange inner turmoil. And, somehow, his expression seemed familiar to her. As if she'd worn it before.

Suddenly she became aware of the fact that he was moving, walking shakily towards her. She turned to face him, and he stopped, scuffing his foot on the ground as if totally at a loss for what to do.

"Ummmmm...Patsy...?" he began cautiously, rubbing the back of his neck as his red complexion deepened. "Do you...um...were you thinking of, well...doing anything tomorrow afternoon?"

Patsy gave him a glowing, slightly embarrassed smile, and suddenly Lazlo's request didn't seem as urgent anymore.

&&&

Clam heaved a mighty sigh, staring mournfully out at the camp from where he still stood on Jelly Cabin's porch. He hadn't moved—not when Patsy had gone chasing after Raj, not when Samson had come by inquiring if Lazlo's "homorksquintality" was still contagious and if so what medication he needed, not even when that chipmunk had scampered onto the roof and started throwing pinecones at his head.

Simply put, he was utterly mixed-up.

Seeing Patsy kiss his best friend had...well, it had creeped him out a little, but it had also given him renewed faith in the vestiges of Lazlo's straighthood. That was, until Lazlo had pushed her away, insisting that he still loved Edward and that Edward needed him. That had worried Clam some, since, after all, if you got a gay guy to kiss a girl and the gay guy is still gay, then he must be _far_ down the path of homosexuality, and possibly too far gone to be saved. And thus, he'd still be off pitching woo with that mean, _male_ Edward.

Clam told himself that Raj still had it under control. Raj could get Lazlo straight again so they'd be able to hang out with him without Edward-based interruptions. Surely Raj still knew what he was doing.

But Raj's own reaction to the kiss had thrown Clam into serious doubt.

Finally giving into a long, self-pitying groan, Clam leaned back against Jelly Cabin's door, sliding down into a sitting position. Nothing made sense anymore. ...Well, it all made less sense than usual.

"...Lonely," Clam finally decided, his chin dropping to his chest.

Suddenly Lazlo's voice came from within the cabin. "Clam? Clam, izzat _you?_"

Clam jumped, whirling around. Lazlo's face looked back at him through the mesh in the door. Seeing Lazlo again sent a wave of relief through him—if Raj didn't know what to do, then Lazlo would. Lazlo _always_ knew what to do.

Except...Lazlo still wasn't _straight_.

"Clam! Clam, has Raj come back yet?" Lazlo asked, his face a mask of worry. "I need to get out! Edward's out there somewhere...I have to find him!"

Clam shook his head slowly. _No, I can't let you out. No, you can't go looking for Edward. No, you're not allowed to be gay. No, Lazlo, we ARE doing it for your own good._

"Ehh...don't have key."

Lazlo was beginning to get small red marks on his face from the crisscrossed wires. "But Raj does! Where is he?"

"Dunno."

Lazlo gave a small, whimpering sigh, shutting his eyes. "Edward...something's wrong. I _know_ something's wrong. He'd...he'd've come back by now..."

Clam remained totally silent. He didn't really know _what_ to say. Lazlo, on the other hand, had so many words that they began spilling out of him at an uncontrollable rate.

"Why does Raj think it's so bad for me and Edward to be in love? I mean...Edward doesn't always treat other people very nicely..."

"_Mean to YOU,"_ Clam added mentally, not without a little conviction.

"But...but...he doesn't know _how_ to act." Lazlo's fists clenched around the bars, and he rested his forehead against the cold metal. "He...Edward doesn't really talk about his family a lot. But I think...I think his parents like his brothers more than him or something. I-I dunno. But when he's mean, he's just...he's looking for _attention_. He WANTS someone to say 'don't do that, it's bad', just 'cus it means they're noticing him. And, and if he has to be mean to somebody to get other people to notice him, or like him, then...then he's gonna _do_ it."

There was a pause, and Clam studied his feet, blinking slowly. Aside from Lazlo and Raj, people rarely paid attention to _him_ either. And sometimes his friends also seemed to forget that he existed. It was at times like those that he'd try to outperform himself—adding a meaningful comment to the conversation, or inventing some incredibly complex gadget, or even just breaking the laws of physics to get people to look at him again, _praise_ him. Whereas he did it silently, merely _hoping_ that someone would notice...Edward did it loudly and boisterously, FORCING others to pay attention.

The parallel was unsettling, and Clam wasn't entirely sure he liked it.

He was startled by a _plip_ as a drop of water hit a wooden floor, and Clam looked up in alarm to see Lazlo wiping his eyes. "I...I _love_ Edward. He _needs_ somebody to look at him and SEE him, to care about what he's doing, to—to care about _him_. And...and I wanna be the one that does that for him. 'Cus, if, if _I_ won't, then...then I don't think _anyone_ will!" Lazlo shook his head, his ears flapping slightly. "Nobody...nobody's seen Edward happy like I have. If they s-_saw_ him happy, they'd want him to be happy all the time...instead of how miserable he always seems to be..."

Clam's mind was whirling, teeming with clashing viewpoints and contradictory statements. Lazlo's gayness was good and bad, Edward was good and bad, Raj's actions were good and bad—all the conflicting information refused to add up. Raj had said that Lazlo needed to be straight, and that Edward had to be gone so Lazlo would hang out with them more often. But here Lazlo was, still insisting that he loved Edward—even though this put his fellow campers, Patsy, _and_ his best friends against him—and that Raj was in the wrong for keeping them apart.

He didn't know what was true. He didn't know what was going on. Confronted with these two mixed signals, Clam couldn't control his thoughts, he couldn't sort out his morals, and he didn't know what he was supposed to do anymore.

Rising mechanically, barely aware that it was happening, Clam stepped off the Jelly porch and escaped.

&&&

Edward felt detached from the world; a lifeless shell, devoid of emotion. He didn't feel the grass brushing his legs, the roots that caught at his toes, the pine needles that rained down on his head. He wasn't even really aware that he was moving until he hit a rock and stopped.

It was a very big rock. A boulder of some kind, big and gray and cold. It reminded Edward of how he was feeling, and his legs crumpled beneath him.

He slumped against the rock, letting it support him since nothing else would. Listlessly Edward stared at the popgun in his hands, not even seeing it. He didn't really _want_ to see anything.

So Lazlo was in love with Patsy. It made sense, actually; the stupid girl following him like a puppy, trying her best to please him, seeing to his every comfort...obviously she'd been in love with Lazlo for a long time. It was inevitable that he'd end up falling for her; after all, if you had a housemaid on hand, what would you want with a useless, stupid, gullible platypus?

_Following me like a puppy, trying his best to please me, seeing to my every comfort..._

Edward shook the thought from his head, refusing to let himself dwell on it. Lazlo had been lying to him, like the rest of the world. The whole universe pretended to like him, giving him good fortune and then mercilessly ripping his prize from his hands. Though the prize had never existed in the first place, really; he'd just fooled himself into thinking it was there.

It was tearing his soul apart to keep from crying.

He became vaguely aware of a rustling noise somewhere nearby, but it didn't matter to him. Better that a bear should maul him or something...he didn't care anymore. He didn't even really mind when something strode unsteadily into his clearing, standing quietly in front of him before clambering on top of the rock. Edward didn't even look to see what it was, refusing to let himself care about anything.

"...Hi," said a slightly familiar husky voice.

Edward said nothing.

The silence settled over them like a blanket, confining them to their private thoughts. Neither moved or made a sound for quite some time, feeling strangely alone together, until the unknown being spoke up again.

"You confused too?"

For a moment it seemed like Edward still wouldn't speak. Then, so low it was barely audible:

"No..."

The statement trailed off, then Edward's grip tightened around the popgun, and he continued, his voice loud but toneless. "Figures it'd all make sense once it was _over_. Geez, first time I've really been _sure_ a' somethin' and then I _lose_ it!"

The figure above him sighed, and seemed to be shaking its head in disagreement. "Not sure of anything..."

Edward snorted, then resumed his listlessness. "That's _your_ problem. My problem's that it took me this _long_ to understand it..." His tail twitched absently, and he went on staring at his lap. "It's 'cus he was the only one. The _only one_ who didn't really hate me. An' I never really figured out _why_."

He didn't care whether the mysterious figure knew what he was talking about. Heck, he didn't care who heard him—he just needed to let it all out.

"It...confused me, why he didn't hate me, you know? An'...an' so I acted worse and worse to him, just to try and _make_ him hate me, 'cus I couldn't stand it...but..." Edward choked for a second, and his vision blurred, but he forced himself to hold it in. "_He tricked me_. Tricked me inta' falling in love with him. An'...an' even though I know he was lying—he HAD to have been lying—then...then..._damn it, I __**love**__ him!!_"

Some sort of strangled squeak emanated from above his head, but Edward didn't care. He buried his face in his arm, letting his sleeve soak up the grief he still refused to show. "Dammit...but he loves _Patsy_, and I still can't...stupid gi—"

"NOT TRUE!"

Suddenly Edward's arm was yanked away from his head, and his vision temporarily returned to show Clam tugging frantically at him. "NOT TRUE! NOT TRUE!!" the rhinoceros was insisting, hauling Edward to his feet. "NOT CONFUSED ANYMORE! CLAM KNOW WHAT TO DO!!"

"Wha—" Edward interjected blearily, but Clam cut him off, already setting off at a run and dragging Edward along behind him.

"PATSY'S IDEA KISS LAZLO!" Clam shouted, his voice rising with his mounting excitement. At last, at long last, he'd be able to do something right. And he'd do it because of his _own_ beliefs, without anyone else telling him what he should do. "LAZLO STILL LOVES EDWARD! _LAZLO STILL LOVES EDWARD!!!_ **AND EDWARD **_**REALLY**_** LOVES LAZLO!**"

Too shocked to be embarrassed, Edward allowed himself to be jerked through the woods—and, as he suddenly realized with a rare smile, back to Camp Kidney.


	7. Chapter 7

(Author's Note: It's done! I'm so sorry for taking soooooo dang long! A thousand kowtows of apology! I was so busy!)

"Edward love Lazlo! Edward love Lazlo!" Clam told the world, dragging a now red-faced Edward behind him. To him, it was an important source of revelation. To Edward, it was the shameful truth.

He dug his heels into the ground, but Clam didn't slow down a bit. "This is no way to sneak into camp!" he complained.

"Not sneaking!" Clam told him.

He was dragged out of the trees, exposed; he tried to pull himself back to the safety of the trees. Gawd! Last thing he wanted right now was to face to other Beans, but Clam had a grip like a vice and budged as much as a boulder.

Edward put his arm around Clam's head, putting Clam in a headlock. "Slow down, dammit!"

"Ahhh! He's got another one!" yelled a camper. The campers oozed out of the camp's various nooks and crannies, eyeing Edward suspiciously and murmuring to each other.

"Well well well, look who's back," drawled Ping-Pong.

Dave rolled his eyes at Clam. "Worst. Guard. _Ever_. Seriously, Clam, you're not supposed to drag the enemy into camp."

Clam jumped up and down excitedly. "Edward good! Edward love Lazlo!"

Edward blushed angrily.

The campers exchanged glances. "Yeah, we _know!_ That's why we threw him out!"

Edward gritted his teeth and lifted up a foot, then brought it back down hard to get their attention. "Back off! I _need_ to see Lazlo!"

"Nuh-uh! We're not letting you go and be all homosemantical with him," whined the beaver.

Samson shook a fist in the air. "Yeah, down with homogemwtricalls!"

"Shut up! Like you're ones to talk!" He folded his arms in front of him and gave them all a look. "Like any of you can _honestly_ tell me that you're straight."

"Eh…?" Awkward looks greeted him.

"I mean, I spent most of my time here thinking you guys were the biggest bunch of fags I've ever met. And now you wanna get rid of me cause I kissed Lazlo…once or twice?! _Ha!_ C'mon! Beaver and Storky over there, they've been going out for ages! And Harold spends every single night watching Raj sleep through Jelly Cabin's window mesh!"

"It's true," Harold confirmed, not sounding the least bit ashamed.

"And _you_, Ping-Pong—just last week you were telling me how HOT you thought Hanly Manster was! You shouldn't punish me—in fact, I should be your king!" he said, trying to push it.

The campers looked at their feet and shuffled around uncomfortably. "But..Um, uh," they stuttered, at a loss for words. Come to think of it, a lot of them had never really thought about this sort of stuff, or even cared about it, an yet it had been so easy to work themselves into a frenzy over it.

"I don't have time for this," muttered Edward, half to himself. He didn't understand half of what Clam had been trying to tell him, and Lazlo's kiss with Patsy still hung heavily on his mind.

He grabbed clam by the hand. "C'mon, let's go." And they slipped away while the campers discussed their orientation amongst themselves.

"Just cause I said he was hot doesn't mean I'd kiss him or something."

"I'd be happy if I got a kiss from _anybody_…"

Clam blinked a few times at them, then turned to Edward. A big angry cloud of determination hung over the platypus.

"Umm. Find Raj."

Edward gave him a wry smile. "He could be anywhere. I suggest we look where ALL scum surfaces around here."

Raj, meanwhile, was in the mess hall, sitting across from Patsy and staring at her with a bemused look on his face.

Patsy was talking to him—at least, talking in his general direction. "Well, if you wanted to go out with me, you should have just said so. I mean, I have pretty high standards usually, but you're okay—but I wont just go _anywhere _for a date, y'know..."

"Who said anything about a **date?**!" Raj freaked, his face going red. "I just said we should hang out…sometime."

Patsy stared at him and blinked a few times. _My god, you can actually see what he's thinking_, she thought to herself. You could never do that with Lazlo, who seemed to always gravitate to one general expression.

"It's just..." Raj continued. "It seems like Lazlo would rather be hanging out with Edward more than me, so…"

"Oh yeah!" Patsy exclaimed, remembering her promise to Lazlo. "_About_ that—isn't it about time you let Lazlo out of the cabin?"

"Yeah, but if I _do _he'll get _Edward_." He leaned toward her as if about to tell her a dark secret. "_And Edward's plotting to get me_," he hissed.

"Oh, come on. If Lazlo's in love with him, how bad can he be?"

There was a laugh—more of a dry chuckle than a laugh. There was no joy in it; it was the kind of laugh that only enjoyed pain, preferably someone else's.

Both Patsy and Raj turned toward the source of the sound. Edward stood in the doorway, silhouetted against the noon light. "Oh, you don't know how bad I can be, little missy."

Besting the Bean Scouts had left Edward feeling in control. He reveled in the feeling now. A while ago he had let all his sadness and confusion turn into anger and had aimed it at the campers and found, much to his surprise, instead of the usual hot frustrating rage he usually felt, he was feeling a calculating coldness, and suddenly everything was clear.

He turned to Raj, who let out a yelp. "Hello, Raj."

Raj trembled. "Raj? Who's Raj?" He shuffled to the other side of the table till he was next to patsy and had the table between him and Edward. Then he grabbed her beret and placed it on his head "My name's…Clarise!" he said in a high-pitched squeak.

"I want Lazlo! I want to see him right now and if you dare get in my way I will rip you to shreds," Edward hissed.

"Aaaaaahhh!" Raj waved his arms, too flustered and too scared to think of what to do next.

"The key!" Edward demanded. "Right now!"

Raj reached to his pocket, hesitated, and turned imploringly to Clam, his eyes wide and his lower lip quivering. "Clam, stop this madness!"

Clam paused, turning his head from one leader to the other. Between the two of them, he'd rather be following Lazlo.

"No," he told Raj, and stood behind Edward.

"Clam is on _my_ side now." Edward smirked at Raj. "Though heaven knows why."

Clam turned to Edward. He blinked a few times. He had thought he'd explained it very well. "Edward loves Laz—"

"Okay, we get it, shut up!" Edward blushed and turned to Raj angrily. "Gimme the dang key!"

"Key!" Clam echoed.

Edward turned slowly toward Clam, giving him a long, weirded-out stare. He blinked a few times, trying to put him out of mind, and turned back to Raj. "Now!"

Raj, in turn, turned to Patsy imploringly.

She smiled weakly. "Just give them the key, Raj…"

"_Fine!_" He threw up his hands in the air in a teenagerish fit. "Everybody's against me!!"

He grabbed the key and tossed it at Edward, who caught it easily.

Edward glanced at the key in his hands, then looked up and gave Raj a smile. It wasn't a wry smile, but one of those genuine ones that rarely graced Edward's lips. Raj harrumphed at him.

Edward turned and ran out of the mess hall, key clutched tightly in his fist. He felt so excited, so eager to see Lazlo again—he tried to stamp his anticipation down and remind himself that he was mad at Lazlo, but nevertheless he found himself speeding up. Clam followed closely on his heels.

Back in the mess hall, Raj looked at Patsy. She giggled. He blushed.

"Um…Let's go follow them!" he squeaked, and rushed out the door.

Edward ran like his life depended on it. The long wait to see his Lazlo was finally over, and the few seconds between him and Jelly Cabin seemed to last forever.

He nearly didn't notice Lazlo standing in front of Pinto Cabin. "Hi, Edward! Bye Edward!" he shouted mirthfully into Edward's wake.

It took a while till the sound of his boyfriend's voice reached Edward's ears and he stopped. He turned around slowly, a small smile gracing his lips. Tears were in the corners of his eyes. "Lazlo!"

Lazlo grinned and brought up his arms to hug the little platypus. "You wouldn't believe it! I _completely _forgot about that loose floorboard and—"

_SLAP!_

Lazlo's face ploughed into the ground. He looked up at Edward, shocked.

"You bastard! How dare you let her kiss you like that!" Edward leaned down, grabbing Lazlo by his neckerchief and pulling him up roughly. "Do you have _any idea_, any idea at _all_…?"

"Edward's using bad words again," muttered a camper, and the other campers gathered around for an educational experience.

In the crowd of campers, Clam turned to Raj with a knowing expression on his face. "Edward love Lazlo," he told him again with a smirk.

"Really?" he replied hesitantly. If this was love, he wanted no part of it.

Lazlo's expression changed from a confused to a sad one. "Oh, Edward…" He put his hands on Edward's shoulders. "I hurt your feelings, didn't I?"

"No." Edward looked away. "It just…" He sighed and glared at Lazlo. "You kiss anyone other than me again and I'll rip your lips off and feed them to you, y'hear?!"

Lazlo smiled and hugged him. "I love you too!"

He leaned forward, nuzzling his face on Edward's. "You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah...No!" Edward folded his arms in front of him and pouted, glaring at Lazlo. "I need reminding…sometimes. Laaazlo, I'm not _like_ you."

"No, you're not." Lazlo grinned. "That's why I love you so much!" He hugged Edward again. "Thanks for coming to save me, Edward. You're my heeerooo."

"Quit laying it on thick, it's not gonna get you out of a beating," huffed Edward, looking flattered and annoyed at the same time. "Oh yeah!" He snapped his fingers, suddenly remembering something. "Speaking of beatings…" He pointed at a frightened little elephant in the crowd. "Kill him for me. I was gonna do it myself, but after you kissed that bitch, well, consider this your punishment." He pushed Lazlo towards Raj.

Raj let out a little scream. "Lazlo! Um…Umm, I was _going_ to let you out!"

"Really?" said Lazlo, who hadn't stopped smiling since Edward had told him he was going to rip his lips off, but to Raj, his smile seemed sort of sinister.

Raj looked at his feet, shuffling around guiltily. "Yeah, well, we have swimming activities at five, and you...You **love** swimming…so…"

"Aw, Raj, that's so **sweet** of you!" Lazlo laughed and gave Raj a hug.

"What part of kill don't you understand!" snapped Edward.

"The 'll' part!"

"Don't you give the cheeky monkey act! I've got you number right here!"

"That cause I gave it to him," Lazlo told Raj, giggling.

"You gave him your number?" muttered Raj.

"Yeah, my phone number."

Edward huffed. "How am I supposed to believe you love me if can't do this simple little thing for me?"

"I can't stay mad at Raj, Edward. I forgive him"

"Y-you do?" sighed Raj, relieved.

"Well, _I_ don't," growled Edward.

"It's okay," said Lazlo, patting Raj on the back. "He'll make it up to you"

Raj's hair stood on end.

"And I will too, Edward. I'm really sorry."

Raj tugged on Lazlo's shirt, eyeing Edward with fear. "Ummm, Lazlo, I'm not sure…"

"It's okay, Raj. It'll give us a chance to hang out with each other more, just like you wanted."

&&&

Edward sat on a pile of pillows, most of which had been pilfered from Scoutmaster Lumpus's boudoir. It gave Edward a warm feeling, knowing that small acts of thievery were carried out for him.

Clam sat on the pile, a little lower than where Edward was sitting, drinking lemonade through a straw.

Edward twirled his own glass of lemonade, letting the ice jangle inside. He smiled and turned to Clam. "You know, Clam, you're not as retarded as I thought you were."

"Um…?" Clam slowly stopped sucking on his straw.

"That's his way of saying thanks!" said Lazlo, jumping in to the rescue.

Edward smiled at him. Lazlo was covered in grime and carrying a mop. Edward had set both Lazlo and Raj on the hard task of cleaning away the dirt that had oozed form Skip and Chip's beds into Edward's side of the cabin.

In the background Raj screamed as the grime fought back.

Edward sighed. "I need ice cream," he stated.

"Oh..? _Oh!_" Lazlo realized he was being given a command. "Yes, your majesty! I'll get you some right away."

He dragged Raj out from under the dung beetle's double-bunk bed. "It dragged me in!" Raj squeaked, gasping for breath.

"C'mon, his majesty wants ice cream!" Lazlo told him, helping him up.

"And I want a break!" Raj protested, but to no avail as Lazlo dragged him out of the cabin.

On the way back from the ice cream truck, Raj trailed behind Lazlo, looking at his feet. "Lazlo?" He bit his lip. "I really am sorry…for getting in the way of your…_love!_"

"It's okay. My love is too big to get in the way of," Lazlo said with pride. "So… you're okay with me being gay?"

Raj sighed. "You be whatever you want. I won't stop you." He smiled at Lazlo.

Lazlo grinned, folding his arms behind his head. "Good, 'cause it's always okay to be happy and carefree!"

Raj sighed.

&&&

THE END 

&&&

CREDITS:

Lazlo and Edward sat on the docks eating ice cream. They were sitting a foot away from each other.

Lazlo put an arm around Edward's shoulders, trying to look inconspicuous. Edward blushed, rolling his eyes and smiling to himself. Lazlo leaned down and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"Oh-OH! _Canoodling_, eh?" Lumpus jumped out of a nearby bush, looking ecstatic. "Slinkman! SLINKMAN! I caught a happy couple right here with some unauthorized hanky panky!!" The scoutmaster gave them an "ooh you're gonna get it" look.

Slinkman practically flew out of the scoutmaster's cabin, 'Mr. Spankfull' in one hand and a determined look on his face.

"Oohoohoohoo! I should read the rules more often!" chuckled the Scoutmaster to himself. "This is fun!"


End file.
